Hooker Hotels

Look, I am not rich, but I love to travel. Sometimes you have to sacrifice the luxuries of an expensive and fancy hotel... sometimes you have to sacrifice the luxuries of a normal, cozy hotel. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your dignity and pride.. and stay in a hooker hotel.

One trip I took to Morelia, Michoacan turned out to be a lot more interesting than I expected. We stayed there for the weekend and went to see the Monarch Butterfiles that migrate to the forests in Michoacan during the winter. I am the kind of person that would rather spend my money on the road than on an expensive hotel just to sleep in, I would almost prefer to just sleep in the car and wake up and drive!

So, the first night we were in Morelia, we stayed at a decent hotel, and I thought that was a hooker hotel. Right next door was a Sex Cinema and there were hookers all over the street that the hotel was on, and plenty of sex shops. Don't get me wrong, I don't have problems with hookers, sex, or porn, but it's different sleeping in a bed someone just had sex in. So the first night, the hotel we stayed in was cheap and normal, and was definitely not a hooker hotel. I realized this after seeing the hotel we were about to stay in the next night.

The second night in Morelia, we wanted an even cheaper hotel so we could save money for the plans we had for the following day. We checked a lot of hostels, hotels and other places. Surprisingly, the hostels in Mexico are fairly expensive compared to hostels in other countries. The hostels here are 'fashionable' and 'cool', and besides that it is an awesome way to meet other travelers and make friends, but that was not what we were looking for that particular night. We wanted extremely cheap, and that is just what we got.

So we arrived at a hotel, not far from were we stayed before. We went inside and it looked clean and nice, and cheap. We asked how much it was for one night... it was 90 pesos, for 2 people. We looked at eachother astonished and could not believe it was true, 90 PESOS A NIGHT? You have to be kidding me right, I have never stayed anywhere so cheap. 90 pesos a person, okay but for both, no way. We should have known right then and there what we were getting ourselves into. So, we asked the receptionist, who was a creepy old man with dark eyes and a hunched back, if the 90 pesos was for one whole night of just one hour. He looked at us like we were ridiculous, but we just could not believe it was so cheap. At this point it was obvious the hotel was for one night stands and for prostitutes and their clients.

There was one problem, all the rooms were full. So he told us to come back in one hour and he would save the room for us. Really he mean, just wait until this couple is done fucking, and you can have the room. We decided it was okay, but I had to be sure, so I checked the rooms in the front first. The rooms were big and had nothing in them but a bed, but they didn't look dirty or diseased so I said okay. We went our for some drinks in downtown in Morelia and waited a while to go back to the hotel.

When we finally arrived back, I saw a tranny walk out from the rooms in the back and a scared looking older man. Look, I like trannys, I have nothing against them at all but sometimes enough is too much and this guy was just horrible. This guy that paid for him must have been desperate, I mean I would rather just be celebit than go anywhere near this hooker. My first thought in that moment was, 'please, Please, PLEASE don't let this be the couple that was in the room we are getting!!!'.

Well, guess who has good luck, NOT ME! The guy at the front desk ran to the back where the couple came out of and was back there about 2 minutes maximum. He came running back out and gave us the keys. Walking back to the room felt like it took decades, I knew that the room was the same as the hooker and I did not want to go.While we were walking down the hall, it was filled with the sound of, no not music, sex. I mean, people were literally screwing in every room there!

We got to the room, and it was obvious that the desk guy had not changed the sheets. He simply put them back gently on the bed and turned on the shower in the bathroom to rinse away whatever was there before, and I don't want to image it. The room was not dirty, the bed was very small but the bathroom was aweful. The room smelled musty an sweaty, like dirty sex. We knew it was the room that the tranny had just came out of.

Across the hall from us was a 3 some going on, two prostitutes and a guy. We were forced to listen to them while we got ready to go out for the rest of the night. And, to be honest, we wanted to listen I mean, come on who wouldn't be curious, it's funny!

Later on that night, we left and went out. Chanfle had forgotten something in the room so I waited outside the hotel on the street, bad idea. Everyone that walked by gave me the dirtiest looks and laughed and whispered things in Spanish as they walked by. I have never been mistaken for a hooker in my life, so this was a first. I suppose if you are standing in front of a prostitute hotel alone, what are people supposed to think. If I was them, I would be wondering what a gringa hooker was doing in Mexico.

I saw the two girls and one guy in the room across from us leave, and they made me want to barf! I mean I have seen the hookers in Mexico City and some of them could be models, they are gorgeous. In Morelia, it was the opposite not one was pretty, or had a nice body, I mean they were all horrible. So if you are looking for a night with a prostitute, do not head to Morelia!

The rest of the night all I could think about was how I was not going to sleep on that bed, and that is exactly what I did. I slept on my jacket in the freezing night with no blankets on, and that is the way I liked it. After a night out until 3am, I usually don't get up so early, but when I woke up at 7am that morning, I got out the bed as fast as I could and got out of there.

It was one of the weirdest and funniest experiences I have had in Mexico, it almost makes me want to go stay in more hooker hotels so I can write about them and my experiences there. You should try it too!

XOXO,

A Curious and Lost Gringa
Follow me on Twitter @LaTortuturtle
Faceboook Pepe 'La Tortuga' Perez

Pumas Campeon!

As most of us already know, the Pumas won the Mexican Title this past Sunday. I have not been a Pumas fan for very long, but I will tell you that they have grown on me and they are my favorite futbol team from Mexico, and overall. I have watched all of their games this season leading up to the Finals and they blew me away. 

For those of you who don't know, the Pumas are a professional futbol team that are based in Mexico City. The Pumas represent UNAM, the National Autonomous University of Mexico. Olimpico Universtario Stadium is the Pumas home staduim in Mexico City near the UNAM campus. 

Part of the UNAM campus in D.F.

Olimpico Universitario Staduim

I have been to UNAM several times and it is one of the biggest campuses I have ever been to, between the US and Mexico. The campus is beatiful and has a lot to offer, good restarutants, amazing museums, beautiful parks and a lot more. If you are stopping in D.F. it is certainly somewhere you should check out.

Now, back to the Pumas! They won, they won, they won! Even though the win was two days ago, the celebrations are still going on. We went to the staduim the night before the game and everyone was camping out, playing music, dancing and partying. I think the Pumas have some of the most loyal fans in Mexican futbol.

I am definitely happy to say I am a Pumas fan and I am so glad I was in Mexico to help celebrate the victory. We were in Cuernavaca for the final game and for the celebration. When we arrived downtown after the game the streets were filled with Puma fans, everyone had on their Puma attire, flags, banners, and more. We all walked through the streets yelling Puma chants, honking obnoxiously at those passing by. Everyone was smiling and having an awesome time. It was really fun for me because in the US I have never been to a celebration that took over the entire downtown of a city just for the vicotory of a sport, not even the crazy Husker fans of American Football. The energy of the fans was astounding and really made way for a great day and night. It was a great victory and I am glad I got to experience it. I met a lot of die hard fans and they were some of the nicest and funniest people I have met in Cuernavaca. With crazy, fun fans like the Pumas, no wonder the Monarcas were hiding inside all day!! 

The end of the night got a little crazy, as I am sure you can imagine. It was a lot of fun and I cannot wait until the games begin again! GO PUMAS!

Goya! Goya! Cachun cachun ra ra! Cachun cachun ra ra! Goya! Universidad!!

Here are some photographs taken after the vicorty! Pumas Campeon! 

XOXO, 

A Pinche Puma Gringa

Follow me on Twitter @LaTortuturtle 

Facebook Pepe 'La Tortuga' Perez

How Many Steps Does It Take?!

In all the buildings, houses, banks, churches, schools, clubs, bars, everywhere in Mexico there are Emergency signs. This is pretty common in the US too, but the signs are drastically different. When I saw the sign in my apartment, I noticed it had over 5 steps for different kinds of emergencies. Call me old fashioned, but I would rather stick to the 'Stop, Drop and Roll' step you learn in kindergarden and save myself some time. Or just the simple, 'Get the fuck out' step. I think that works the best. The first time I saw one of these signs I could not stop laughing, I mean I have a terrible memory, so there is no way I could remember all the steps. If there was an emergency I would die just while I was reading them and trying to figure out what to do! One of the best parts about the signs are the illustrations, I mean I can't even tell what is going on in them. So I made up a coulpe of my own steps, according to the illustrations.

Gringa Emergency Manual

By A Pinche Lost Gringa

Sismos - Earthquake

Stand and read the sign, stand very calm and very still. Don't move at all or the emergency may get worse. Just stand there and pretend like you know what to do.

 Beware of the snakes coming out of the walls. They only want the pizza in the oven. Walk past them quietly and be very sneaky.

Make your way through the magical door in the wall. Once through the door, shut it behind you and pose underneath the drawing of a window.

Get into the elevator, it is much faster than the stairs.

Make your way to the kitchen and hide underneath the table. Wait there to scare the next person walking by, in the meantime your friend will be hiding, trying to blend in with the wall. Do not let yourself be fooled.

Beware of the Mexican Indians attacking you from behind.

Incendios - Fire

Pretend you are a statue.

Start a fire to gain everyones attention.

Take the hand of the person closest to you and do the Cumbia together.

Blow dry your hair.

Don't let the police poke you with their handless arms.

Watch out for the Devil's evil tail that is about to whip you in the back of your head.

Again, use the elevator. It's not dangerous at all. You will be able to laugh at everyone when you are the first one down and they never come out.

Sing Opera as loud as you can.

Duck and cover, look out for the flock of deadly birds.

There are many different styles of these signs, here are a few. Try and make up your own emergency steps, it's pretty amusing.

This is the same sign I have in my apartment.

This one is my favorite, it's obviously a joke but it looks like someone else had a similair idea.

So, if you ever have an emergency just follow my easy Gringa Emergency Manual and you should make it out okay.

XOXO

An Emergency Concerned Gringa

Follow me on Twitter @LaTortuturtle

And on Facebook at Pepe 'La Tortuga' Perez



Naughty Words, Wash Your Mouth

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Tourist Etiquette for Gringos Reloaded

So I have already discussed all the basic things to avoid as far as gringo tourists go. Now I want to go through a few more common things to avoid.

Let's start of with typical gringo attire for trips and expeditions. Let's say you make a trip to go to the Coba ruins, or Chichen Itza in Quintana Roo. Yes, it is in the jungle and it is hot, but you are not on an African safari from the 1980s, so leaver your safari outfit at home. I know you have one. Maybe you should even throw it away.

Image from Buy Something Sexy

When I first came to Mexico, the first thing everyone told me was 'don't drink the water, or you will get the shits'. Okay, it is true, you don't want to drink the water out of most faucets. However, being overly concerned with where your ice came from and where you water was bottled will only ruin your trip. Relax and enjoy yourself, just have a little bit of common sense. And always remember, no matter how tired, hungover or thirsty you are that morning you wake up after a night out, don't drink the water from the shower, trust me.

Food

Yes, Mexico DOES have more than tacos and quesadillas, however you can find them just about anywhere you go. Some of the best and authentic Mexican food is found on the street and it won't dent your wallet. The best places to go in the street are the places that are full, you know it is delicious and you know the food hasn't killed anyone. The best tacos, burgers, quesadillas and esquites I have had while staying here are from vendors on the streets so I would definitely recommend you step out of your regular restaurant routine and try it. You may just surprise yourself.

If you are looking for something a little different than Mexican food, you can find it here. In my neighborhood Roma, we have all kinds of different kinds of food. Within 5 blocks from where I live we have Lebanese, Chinese, Italian, Japanese, Greek, Thai, French, American, Mexican and a lot more. There is basically and kind of dish in Mexico you could ever want.

The seafood in Mexico is some of the best I have ever had. My favorite seafood here is the ceviche, and you can find it at most places that serve seafood. Ceviche is seafood, anything from octopus, shrimp, fish or crab. It's basically like a coctail with spiced peppers, tomato, cilantro, avocado and lime juice and it is delicious, if you haven't tried it I recommend that you do.

One thing that annoys me about eating out in Mexico and being gringa, is everyones concern for my stomach and the salsa. Everytime I go for the salsa, I have got some random person telling me to be careful because it is 'spicy'. Look I know you are only trying to help, but I have been eating salsa since the day I was born (well practically since my dad thought it would be funny to let me try jalapenos when I was a baby). I have a tongue and stomach of iron and love spicy foods, so when you tell me it is too spicy, I am just going to ask you for the spicier one.

Music

Mexican music is not all mariachis and banda. It is not all club music and Black Eyed Peas either, whom I cannot stand after spending two months in Playa del Carmen and hearing it 5 times every night we went out. Some of my favorite musicians and bands are from Mexico and the music ranges from anything you could imagine, indie, pop, rock, blues, rockabilly, orchestra, electronic, dance, salsa, reggae and more. Here is a list of some of my favorite artists from Mexico, and if you have not heard of them you should check them out.

Disco Ruido

Julieta Venegas 

Zoé

Cafe Tacuba

Juan Son

Juan Gabriel

Lupe Dalessio

Natalia Lafourcade

Plastilina Mosh

Soja

Instituto Mexicano del Sonido

(and yes for you gringos who don't know Spanish, there are artists from Mexico who have songs in English :) )

Drinks

Gringo's and their tequila, they just can't get enough. Well Mexico offers a lot more than quality tequila. There are a lot of good drinks in Mexico, not just Pina Coladas and Margheritas. One of my favorite drinks in Mexico is the Mezcal from Oaxaca. In my opinion it is a lot smoother than tequila and tastier. Micheladas are another one of my favorite drinks here. They are beer with lime juice, spicy chili, salt, and depending on where you go, they come topped of with candies, peppers or peanuts. The best Micheladas I have tried here are in the state of Morelos, they are the Michelada geniuses.

Image from Chimarro

One last thing I want to note for my fellow gringo travelers is the restrooms. In Mexico it is almost impossible to find a public restroom, let alone one that is free. When I first arrived I was not used to it at all because you can basically go to the bathroom anywhere in the US. So this sucked for me, especially when you are stuck in traffic for hours and can't find a place to go. So if you are planning a long road trip or just have bad luck and get stuck in traffic forever, wear your grown up diaper or bring a few pesos for 'el bano'. You don't want to be like me, stuck in traffic and frantically running around searching for an ATM so I can take out money to pay only 3 pesos for the nearest bathroom, that was not very near.

With that I hope my gringo tourists have a better idea about what to expect when they come to Mexico, and what not to wear and how not to act ;) Hopefully you will get a little more out of your trip now.

xoxo,

pinche gringa loca

You can also find me on Twitter @LaTortuturtle

Tourist Etiquette for Gringos

Mexico is not all sombreros, tacos, margheritas, and guacamole.

There is nothing worse for Mexicans and fellow travelers than a typical 'gringo' tourist. First things first, what the hell is a 'gringo'?! It sounds like something from the Outback. Technically a gringo is anyone in Mexico from the US.

According to several posts in urbandictionary.com, this was what 'gringo' meant:

1. A person from the USA.

2. A tourist in Mexico with the stereotype of northern European race.

3. In Mexico, common nickname to a person with pale skin, Brown or blond hair and blue/green eyes.

More can be found here, some posts were pretty creative and entertaining.

Now, as I see it, a typical gringo tourist stands out with this type of typical behavior or appearance:

-Gringos usually have a huge map in their hand, one that is unecessarily large. They also have other maps rolled up and sticking out of their fanny pack, yes I said fanny pack.

-Cargo shorts or swimming trunks, when you are not on the beach. it is one thing to wear your swim shorts around in Playa del Carmen or Acapulco, but in cities like DF or Guanajuato.. give me a break!

-Sandals, even when it is cold, raining or snowing.

-Socks under your sandals, I think that is just a 'no-no' from any standpoint.

-I want all my fellow gringos to know, that it is not necessary to make ridiculous poses in front of everything you see. No your not holding up the pyramid, and you are definitely not holding up the sun.

-The obnoxious tourist sombrero and poncho you bought in the tourist shop, well do you see anyone else wearing one? I didn't think so.

-Starbucks coffe and McDonalds in hand, save that for the US, try something new!

-Last but not least.. your metal detector. I guarantee you will not see anybody else with one, unless it is another gringo tourist just like yourself. You are not going to find any treasure in the beaches of Cancun, Cabo San Lucas or Puerto Vallarta. All you will likely find is someones forgotten beer can.

Image from CNN

Now for my Gringas

Ladies, ladies, ladies, sometimes you have to learn how to keep your tatas in your shirt, and your thong in your jeans once in a while. Not every place in Mexico is Cancun and not every week is Spring Break. You are giving all us gringas down here a bad reputation, so just work with me here and listen to some much needed advice!

Let me just start with the basics:

-You do not need to get on top of the bar at every club you go to just to get attention for the belly shot you are about to do.

-Are you a stripper in the US, no I didn't think so. You are probably a house wife, so you don't need to bring out your inner stripper here in Mexico.

-We don't want to see your thong hanging out of your jeans or your tits hanging out of your bra.

-You don't need to make out with every willing guy in the club.

-Not everyone who is sitting down wants a lap dance.

-Just because you have blonde hair and fake tits does not mean you are Britney Spears, so please stop shouting every song in the club at the top of your lungs.

Photo from Wikipedia

As far as the gringos go down here, a lof of Mexicans and other travelers thing in general that, well we are a bunch of cultureless idiots. We are all fat Americans, with our big houses, big cars and our small brains. Well obviously that is not true. Not all gringas open their legs and go home with everyone they meet, some, but not all. Not all gringos are uneducated, actually I would say most of us travel, read books, have culture and have open minds. Just like not all Mexicans are running around wearing sombreros, eating tacos and shouting 'arriba, arriba' all day and playing mariachi. Although, I would like to see that, at least once in my life.

So let's all work on our gringo tourist etiquette while we are in Mexico, let's improve our reputation and show everyone we aren't just a bunch of gold seeking, titty shaking Americans.

XOXO,

A Lost Gringa

Janitzio Smells Like Fish

Isla de Janitzio is located in the state of Michoacan, Mexico and is a little island in a big lake. To get to the island you have to take a shuttle boat. We got to the docks in the early evening and when we were getting our tickets we saw a group of drunk 'jovenes', young people, probably just turned 18. When we got on the boat we were the first people on, our boat was the Merida II and I am glad we didn't have to board the Titanic, let alone the Titanic II.  While we were waiting for everyone to board, the group of youngins came aboard. We wanted a romantic time alone on the island, well scratch that with all these kids here, getting crazy and playing kissing games. However, it did make me a little nostalgic and reminded me of when we played the same games when we were younger. By the end of the boat trip, we were making friends and taking photos for them, and I just wanted to drink with them and have a good time.

When we arrived on the island, I had just remembered that I had to finish my test for my online class, typical blonde behavior. Here we are on this amazing little island full of culture and new things, and I have to take my exam. Needless to say, my boyfriend and I were less than pleased. When I finished my test, which I aced by the way, we made our way up the crooked, narrow streets to the top of the island.



Walking up the streets in Janitzio.



When we arrived to the top, we decided that we owed ourselves some cool cervesas, Victoria is my favorite in Mexico. We walked over to the edge of a little cliff and looked over the entire island. While we were there a flock of what had to be thousands of birds migrating across the lake. It was really beautiful, even while we were dodging the bullets of bird shit that were raining down on us.

Here is a link of a video of the birds flying over us in Janitzio. The video was made by Chanfle Cerqueda for his 1000th tweet. Take a look below and follow him @ChanfleCerqueda on Twitter.





There was a giant statue and park on the top of the hill of Janitzio, and with my love for heights we decided to climb the statue. It may not look that high to you, but I guarantee you it is, especially for someone fearful of heights like my lovely boyfriend.

The statue of Jose Maria Morelos in Janitzio.

View of the sunset from the top of the staute.

Chanfle afraid to climb the rest of the stairs!

Swings in the park in Janitzio.

One of the best parts of Janitzio was trying the fish, or Kurucha Urhapiti. These fish are the main dish in Janitzio and they are caught in the lake that surrounds the little island. I had them as a snack on the street, they came fried and I added a little lime and hot sause. They were delicious, but my stomach disagreed with me later. Trying new things is one of the best parts about traveling.

The fish before they are cooked.

The fish before they were devoured.

All in all our trip was great, the island is small and one days trip is enough. We got to enjoy Janitzio, try new things, and meet new people. I would definitely recommend a trip there. The people are so nice and the atmosphere is great, the only thing is.. the place smells like fish, I am sure you can imagine why.

The docks while we were waiting to leave back to the mainland.

On the boat heading back, looking at Janitzio lit up in the night.

Thanks Janitzio,

A loving Gringa